Adding: Back scratcher
Duties: Scratch back as requested
Advisories: Switch to rubbing only when specifically asked, do not scratch too hard, do not veer onto any tummy area lest there be copious amounts of tickled laughter (followed by harsh reprimand)
Which all makes me feel a whole lot better. I’d always assumed that nails were made for a higher purpose than opening cans of soda and flicking stuck-on crumbs from the kitchen floor. Now I know.